I did the thing. I kind of gulped a bit in doing it AND to be fair (can you hear my new slightly British accent?) I haven’t read the Terms and Conditions as such.
I never intended for my writing to be something public, but I joined Medium and things changed, you know. People liked what I had to say, no matter how dark, twisted, heartbreaking or odd it was.
Apparently, my sometimes-tragic pieces touched people, or better yet, helped them with their own versions of tragic.
What a blessing uh!!!!
From here it kind of grew on me a bit, I was writing more than I ever had in my life and sharing shit that was buried deep inside. My writing was changing, I could sometimes venture off the path of catharsis (this is still a working progress) and started exploring a few other styles.
Then community happened, with such a support network of talented writers I began to call Medium my home away from home if you will. Every time I logged on I had a plethora of incredible writing to read and be inspired by.
I want to discuss a few things, one is why I gulped.
This will likely be my most honest piece to date.
I’m fucking scared of failure.
There, I said it.
So, here I am, member signed and part of the partner thing.
Why? because I believe.
I believe in you, I believe in me (mostly — ouch another gulp) and I believe in a community.
The second part of my gulp is guilt, guilt because there are some people who can’t afford to read “member exclusive stories” (beyond the three allocations per month, if my understanding is correct).
So, to tackle this part, I’m now gulping again (“I think I can, I think I can”) I welcome any of my readers who are in this predicament to private message me and feel free to discuss it further. I don’t anticipate I will earn much from this adjustment, but, as a writer (yeah, I just said that) and a human being who happens to be working. Who is part of world that enables me to eat, have a roof over my head, have a phone and a laptop (although I must admit my current laptop is on its last legs). I would like to start to a “pool” if you will, depending on the interest/ circumstances I can maybe afford to pay it forward for my fellow writers who are struggling?
I know others have suggested it so I would like to put out there that I’m open to it.
I feel it’s our responsibility to do something about it yeah?
What a lot of my medium crew may not know (the exception being a few I keep in contact with via email), in the background, mainly before I left for my big trip. I had submitted my work to other places, online journals and competitions and such. I was looking to gain some exposure (a huge step for me by the way) and maybe earn some additional funds for my trip.
I basically got rejected, many times over. Often someone liked my work but wanted me to tweak it or change it, or add to it. I guess it’s a hard reality to face when you take a leap and realize it’s a harsh world out there for writers. Particularly uneducated ones, like myself. By that I just mean I don’t have any degrees, or writing specific professionals behind me. Hell, I left school before I finished.
Anyhow, I was approached by a magazine editor, they were big in Australia. I grew up as a teenager reading a lot of the magazines, so naturally, I was ecstatic. It wasn’t going to be paid, but I didn’t care, it was still a nice thing to hear. The piece they approached me about involved my only niece, who at the time, was going through chemotherapy for Leukemia.
As such, I was particularly attached to it. Anyway, they asked for my bio and I literally sat in a dark room for days trying to put something together. I wasn’t (still tackling this as I type to you now) confident in myself as a writer. After what felt like a fucking eternity, I got the balls to send it back. I sent it away and….
I never heard a thing back. That’s right, I got ghosted as they say nowadays?
To say I was heartbroken is an understatement. After that, I was served a bit of a blow to my already plummeting confidence and I carried this a long way through my trip in Asia. That, and well, when you’re travelling the world and discovering so much it’s hard to focus on writing because you’re internalizing so much.
So, now all of that is out the way!
Where am I now? What am I doing? Who even cares to know!?
Truthfully, I haven’t a clue what I’m doing. I’m in the UK, Manchester to be specific. I have a visa here for two years, this enables me to work and travel Europe.
I’m living with my best friend and her partner, which is nice. After staying in hostels and spending a long time alone I’ve got a bit of a base now. I missed her terribly and it’s a blessing to be in the same time zone again after years apart.
I’ve got a job, it’s interesting and challenging and I’m learning again, which is good. Life on the road with a budget can be a difficult adjustment. Not compared to what I’ve seen in Asia though, these places really give you an appreciation for what you have and more importantly what you cannot have AND still be happy.
I recently had a conversation with my boss, a review of my work and all that stuff, when he asked about my ambitions and such. He seemed intrigued with my writing is open to helping me, professionally, with some additional projects. So, that’s kind of given me a booster. I mean back home I had a job that required a government styled writing which bored me, but, it also cemented what I love, which is writing.
So, normally I wouldn’t write like this, mainly because I can’t hide. Because it scares the living shit out of me! But I’ve decided I’m sick of hiding. I’m ready to expand a bit.
“Go easy on me” is what I would normally think when I hit “publish” on something like this. But …..FUCK a “go easy”.
Resilience is one of my few strengths, but I also need to grow.
So here is a Wild Flower who is planning on expanding a bit.
Here is a community I adore.
Here is to hopefully, maybe, one day, doing what I love and finding a way to help others doing it.
P.S I will posting this as a “non locked” piece too.